Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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