then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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