??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
