Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
