who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
