Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So many bounce houses so little time
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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