look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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