Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
