Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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