Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
