whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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