I just cut my nipple shaving
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
