I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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