My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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