I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
