i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She even gives head with a lisp.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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