New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
