I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
