She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
