I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
