just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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