Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
