I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
