she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
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We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
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I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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