i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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