I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
