Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
