You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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