The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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