hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
