I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
