we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
