theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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