she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
