Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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