I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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