it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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