Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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