Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
