It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
