You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
