Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
