Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
