I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
