this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
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I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
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