she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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