is your mom at the bar?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
even my farts smell like vagina
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
