Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
