dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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