you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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