I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
