I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
two words...techno handjob
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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