Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
