Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize
