4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize