So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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