We got so high we made milksteak
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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