i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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