so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I came so hard my ears popped.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
