My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
