I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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