the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
she told me i tasted like america
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
